A Great Apology

Guide to a Great Apology

A good apology is a complicated thing. There are numerous dynamics going on, and there is a sequence to the steps. So often, our go to solution is merely saying ‘sorry.’ Sorry is toward the end of the process, not the beginning. A premature sorry feels dismissive and insincere. Today, we will examine some of the key pieces of an effective apology. An apology that will aid in healing, rather than merely putting a Band-Aid over the hurt. If you’ve ever heard your spouse say, “I don’t want to hear your ‘I’m sorry’ anymore,’” then you might benefit from this article.

Here Are Eight Steps to the Art of a Good Apology.

1. Listening—really listen to the person you’ve hurt. Some in the counseling field call this active listening. This is listening for more than just the words the person is saying. It is also listening for emotional content—what’s under the surface. Active listening provides a safe place for your partner to keep exploring their hurt.

2. Validation is not necessarily agreeing with the other person. It is however, accepting how they got to their conclusion. Validation statements usually start with “It makes sense that…” And then the validation focuses on the emotion.

3. Empathy is beyond a cognitive understanding. And it is not so far as taking on the feelings of another and being responsible for them. Empathy joins the other in their emotional state, allowing them to have their own emotion and supporting them while they engage that emotion. Brené Brown does a great job illustrating the importance of empathy in this video. A great mantra for you to live by is: I don’t need to fix this, I just need to feel this.

4. Broadening the scope of the damage done. How does it relate to other hurts which are now flared up? So many times we carry past hurts and burdens. If you are interested in really helping the other heal, then attempt to show you know them by making connections to past events that might have the same emotional resonance.

5. Owning what is your’s to own…without rationalizing, minimizing, blaming, or justifying. This step usually starts with the phrase “You’re right, I did do that.” Owning the behavior (what you did) is different than owning the emotional impact (what it did to your partner). A good fifth step will acknowledge and own both the behavior and the emotional impact. This is where those levels of communication come into play.

6. “I’m sorry.” Enough said. Notice how far down this is in the process? If you say sorry too early in this process it will feel like you are trying to sweep it under the rug or get off the hook. The emotional energy will move from her, to you (see infographic).

7. Reaffirmation of what you do want for the other person.

8. Commitment to make the desires of step seven a reality.

Here’s what an apology usually sounds like: “I’m sorry I didn’t get you flowers for your birthday.”

Here’s what a great apology sounds like: 

“You’re right, I did not get you flowers. And because of that, I communicated that I don’t think of you, and it may have even gone to the place where you questioned if I loved you. Ugh, that is such a lonely and desperate place I put you in. I also recognize this isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this. When I didn’t call to tell you where I was or when I’d be home, when I took credit for your idea to make me look good in front of your parents, when I was ‘just joking around’ with our friends and belittled you…each of these incidents get to the place that says I don’t value you, I don’t love you. 

“I am so sorry. I do love you. I do value you. You are the most important person in my life, and I need to do a better job saying it and showing it. So, to start, I will commit to journaling to figure out why I keep doing these things that take you for granted and show disrespect. I need to get to the very bottom of this. After that, I will commit to making changes as to not hurt you in the ways I did in the past. I hope you will give me the opportunity to do so.”

I know what you’re thinking: that’s a lot. Yes, yes it is. And your relationship is worth that kind of work. Initially, you will not be able to do all of this in real time. It is okay to literally write it down and read it to your spouse (so long as it is sincere).